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Quotes • Headscratchers • Playing With • Useful Notes • Analysis • Image Links • Haiku • Laconic
I will make sure that I get lots of exercise. That does count dancing or doing star jumps to popular music. To save face, any music that has people cringing, or a song that more than five people don't like, will not be used. But, they will not be allowed to tell ME what I can do!
I will always care for the peasants in my kingdom. That means I will ensure that they are all well-fed and they aren't whipped or beaten by anyone in my employment. A happy worker is an industrious worker, not to mention one that's not plotting my downfall.
I will do my best to discover what the hero's favorite books or movies are, then pay close attention the actions of said works. That way, I would be able to catch a Genre Savvy hero off guard.
Destroying the world (or the universe) as my ultimate goal? VERY bad idea. I will always remember that I am part of the world/universe, and even if I could survive its end, it's not very fun if I'm the only thing left.
In keeping with my status as an Equal-Opportunity Overlord, I will hire a number of deaf or hearing-impaired minions to guard a particular area (what that area actually is irrelevant). That area will be fitted with a sonic-based attack system. While the heroes are lying on the floor with hands over their ears in pain, but before they think to shoot out the delivery system, the deaf minions will fill them full of lead. Simple.
Said sonic attack will comprise speakers pumping out 180db worth of a medley between It's A Small World, Never Gonna Give You Up, The Song That Never Ends, and the complete works of the Spice Girls, Justin Bieber and Korean Pop in general.
And, of course, "Friday" by Rebecca Black.
Addendum: If the hero somehow ENJOYS this, then the deaf guards will congratulate the hero on his sick tastes with a flurry of lead
I will not underestimate the power of the Ermine Cape Effect, regardless of what I actually wear. As long as it's not in lieu of good leadership (the monarchies of France, Russia, and China), it's a great way to enhance my stature among my subjects.
Any such outfit that impedes movement will break away if necessary. If it's puffy, this is a great way to hide extra weapons as well.
I shall never drop a loaded gun on the floor for my enemy to pick up while I run up stairs. I shall take the loaded gun and shoot tied up enemy before running up stairs.
If in charge of a galactic empire, I shall take into account the defense budget before designing super weapons. Good financial management lessens the risk of insurrection.
In keeping with sensitivity training, I shall hire gays and lesbians into my Legions of Terror. However, if they are put on guard duty, I will instruct them to only guard members of the opposite sex. Bisexuals employed as part of my Legions of Terror will be put to more beneficial purposes, such as weapon maintenance.
Now that all of the above has been established, I will stop talking to myself. It gives people the wrong idea.
Before I become an evil overlord, I will first undergo psychological treatment to remove my conscience and useless emotions like love, empathy or guilt. That way I can commit ultimate evil acts to my heart's content.
No emotion is useless. Each of them is a highly conditioned evolutionary response that helped ensure my species' survival for countless years. That said, I will be aware of my emotions and take care to keep them in perspective.
I will not give my Doomsday Device a very obviously evil name, no matter how cool it sounds. It's much easier to pretend that Project X25 is just an orbital research station (as opposed to a Kill Sat) than it is to convince people that something called "The Worldslayer" is intended for peaceful purposes.
I will remember the psychological benefit that can be had from giving completely harmless things intimidating names, however. Thus, anything called "Worldslayer" will actually be a radio broadcast satellite (preferably Heavy Metal), and I will make sure that there is no way it can be used for other purposes. If nothing else, it'll make the heroes look like dicks when I reveal that they're the ones responsible for taking down the rock station.
If I am to employ tacticians for use in strategic battles, I will hire at least three of them, ensure that all three of them have no connections to each other, and have them constantly fight in mock battles with what I believe will be equivalent forces to what I expect will be fielded during the last stand. If the side with the plucky heroes, smaller army, etc., win, the one controlling my troops shall be executed.
First, I'll rotate the tacticians so that I can see if there really is just some critical flaw in my army. If this is the case, I will instead execute the person responsible for this flaw.
Unless it's me.
In the case of tactics, with every flaw I will make sure the ways to exploit these flaws will become instrumental to a new plan branching off the old one and I will do this until it reaches a dead end and the heroes can't win. I don't really expect things to go right for me until they must and there isn't a third (or forth, fifth, etc.) option.
When someone is about to kill them, the majority of people will either beg for their lives, or break down completely. The minority will face their death with courage. Be careful of the minority.
If someone displays any other reaction to their imminent demise, they believe that you will be unable to kill them. Determine their reasoning and react appropriately. Their reason will normally fall into one of the following categories:
They believe that your method of execution will not kill them. Procure an alternate method immediately. If you are using some sort of complicated machine, check for sabotage.
They believe that a rescue attempt is imminent. This can be anything from a sidekick hiding in a ventilation shaft to an army about to descend upon your stronghold. Contact your security staff, go to full alert, and check all sensors, particularly internal ones. Also, kill them ASAP.
They believe that they can avert their death through their own actions. Most likely, they have a secret ability. Consider how a fight between you (plus any minions you have in the room) would go down. If you could easily defeat them, prepare for combat. If it would be a close fight, summon all reinforcements. If they handed themselves over voluntarily (perhaps as a prisoner exchange), run away.
Also they may not be afraid of death because they can't die. These people must be dealtwithindifferentways.
Also if they seem calm and have accepted there fate they probably have a reason to be, and I will do my utmost to find it out, postponing the execution to interrogate them if necessary.
All executions will be immediately followed by exorcisms.
I will carefully review the pages on Boss in Mook Clothing, Demonic Spiders, and Goddamned Bats, and arrange for my Legions of Doom to consist entirely of these types, in order of decreasing preference. Actual bosses of my Legions will be That One Boss, without exception. Similarly, all bases under my control will be rigged to turn into the Scrappy Level at a moment's notice (or, more pointedly, the notice of an intruder alert going off).
In short, if the hero wants to topple me, he will face a Nintendo Hard challenge. Should he best me even then, there is no shame in fleeing, noting the hero's abilities, and rebuilding my Legions of Doom with the hero's strengths and weaknesses in mind-minimize the former, pick on the latter.
Forget Platform Hell. It will be Unwinnable. All the hallways will be lined with remotely-operated explosives, and all the bosses will be nukes. This will be in addition to overpowered minions.
On second thought, they will always use poison-tipped ammunition, regardless of the hero.
But if there's more then one medic we're doomed.
I'll just split my forces. Half will shoot at the first medic, half at the other. This works even if there are three/four/five medics.
If there are multiple medics, or most of the heroes have some sort of healing abilities, then I'll just have my forces shoot all of them. Or I'll invite them to dinner and have slow-acting poison added to their food. As a precaution, I will make sure that I have plenty of the antidote on hand to prevent plate-switching or confusion over which drink I'm supposed to take.
Just pull a Dread Pirate Roberts and become immune to the poison beforehand. Make sure none of your minions are invited to dinner. Then, poison everything with said slow-action poison.
I will make sure that the artifact that grants me immortality also grants me eternal youth, unless the army of replacement bodies or robots are already completed. No one wants the body of a 10,000 year old. Even so, it may not be worth the trouble of having clones around anyways.
NO CLONES!
If exactly one thing in the world/universe/whatever can harm me, I will assume that the hero will somehow gain the ability to use that one thing against me, and plan accordingly. The same goes for any minions I may have with this characteristic.
If I am in control of a modern nation like the United States, I will make sure that I firmly establish that I love NASA (or the equivelent there of) and inform people that my grand master plan is the various uses of space and other celestial bodies for world wide expansion. Plus, with increased space traffic, no one will notice the deployment of a Kill Sat or 20.
Should I ever, through my diabolical scheming and and/or pet Mad Scientist, come up with fantastically profitable technology, screw it. I'll drop my vendettas and sell the technology for a profit. That should guarantee I'll live a life of comfort and ease. I'll even make regular donations to charity, and rein in my underlings to keep them from doing anything evil. No hero will go after me if I'm just another law-abiding citizen.
When equipping my army, I shall make sure of these things:
All infantry weapons shall be usable by my all my soldiers with minimum of training and common sense. They shall also be simple and rugged enough to able to operate and be maintained in an array of environments.
All of my mechanized troops shall have standardized vehicles. Said vehicles shall be able to switch out a wide variety of weapons packages made for a variety of situations. This makes field repairs and manufacturing easier.
All of my R&D facilities shall be heavily guarded, with regular background checks and monitoring done for all personnel. I shall also have my prototype dismantled and put into storage so that a hero doesn't end up stealing it.
In other words: I'll use a lot of, and improve upon, Russian weapons. They have this constant tendency to, well, not break. There's a reason countries still use the AK-47 and variants thereof.
If the heroes retreat and leave behind their ridiculously adorable pet or team companion I will not take it in as my own cherished pet. I will check said ridiculously adorable animal for any sort of homing device that the heroes may use to locate my evil lair when I take it in as a cherished pet. If I find such, I will either instantly destroy it, or throw it into a pond/lake/ocean/rain forest with poisonous and man-eating animals, and then drop off the creature at a local animal shelter.
Alternatively, I will take the animal, homing device and all, and donate it to a local orphanage. Not only will it look good to the people, but imagine the bad publicity for the heroes when they storm into the orphanage demanding the return of their beloved pet, only to see a bunch of wide-eyed little orphan children happily playing with it.
If for some reason I fall from power and am executed by the hero, should a subordinate resurrect me so that I may reclaim my title of overlord then I will NOT kill the subordinate as a show of how evil I am. Instead, he/she will receive paid time-off and a nice gift basket as thanks.
If I still have authority upon my revival, a promotion may be in order. If I have to start over, I believe I've found my new right-hand man.
If on the other hand, I can trick the heroes into taking over/cancelling/ruining/killing/etc. Christmas...
I will never assume that just because a certain person is my enemy's child/trusted lieutenant/best friend, it means they will know my enemy's secrets. It doesn't work.
Twins who are separated at birth always end up enemies. If one of my lieutenants turns out to have a twin, that twin will be the hero. I will either arrange an "accident" for my lieutenant, get him to switch to a rival overlord, or "allow" him to stage a coup, so that when the hero takes him out, and can pretend he was the real evil all along.
If I find out twins were separated at birth, I will do my best to get them raised together. I will not try to kill them or their family. That rarely ever works. The twins would just survive and end up working together against me when they grow up.
I will never assume that I have the power of a god, that I AM a god, or that I am in any way a deity. That NEVER works.
No, divine right does not count...
I will buy the rights to every song that could be used for a Training Montage.
And for good measure, I will bring back Grunge, Jazz and Blues in force, and make them adopted as the only forms of music. Try training to that!
On second thought, just Jazz and Blues. The pulsing, pounding sounds of Grunge could just serve to punctuate how hard the Hero is working and actually be more effective than a normal Training Montage.
Jazz and Blues might even be too dangerous. Maybe I should ban everything but... Peter, Paul and Mary? Wow, I really am evil.
If there is a prophesy involving a hero finding and killing me, I will do a lot of research on said prophesy and make absolutely sure that the evil overlord is not going to be me. For example "And the young orphaned boy will strike down the dark lord". I will make sure not to kill any parents, or at least, not to leave any children. And I will also wear bright white armor/clothing all the time.
Then again, as extermination never works, I could recruit all the orphaned children into a warm and comfy institution that raises them in such a way that, come graduation from middle school, they never suspect that their first meal of "high school" is entirely filled with nanomachines that, when activated, consume every yummy bit of flesh and bone within minutes.
If the trade-off is no nanotech for magic, a similar lurking parasite will do.
Or just raise the orphans in as healthy and happy an environment as possible, doing my best to ensure any foster homes they are given to are wonderful to live in.
Then if there are heroes from elsewhere, I will give those orphanages the aforementioned captured Team Pets.
If I ever build a Laser Hallway of death, I will make very certain that the lasers are too closely spaced to be bypassed by doing flips.
I will also make sure that they are too closely spaced to be bypassed easily anyways, and that they are not on a timer. Also, the control device will be in another room and will require a key to use. This does leave it vulnerable to power outages, but since my stronghold should have its own power generator, if the power is out, I will assume that I have bigger problems than my laser hallway being out of order.
Said hallway will use lasers of realistic speed, rather than slow, easily avoided ones.
Screw the hallway. I'm building a solid wall of pure laser and putting it at the end.
If I create a laser wall, I will ensure that it is properly maintained by a board certified technician, and will not shut down simply because the last mook in the room has died.
I will also carry a remote control on my person that can turn off the lasers in case I ever have to go through that hallway. It will only work after carrying out a retina scan of the user and confirming that the user has the proper security clearance. It will also check the user for vitality signs and reject anyone who is dead, unconscious, drugged, or in any other way incapacitated. However, just in case the device malfunctions and rejects me when I'm in perfect condition, there will be no built-in trap designed to kill unauthorized users.
I will employ multiple kindly, eccentric, and/or grizzled old men to play the role of mentor to any prospective hero. They will keep me appraised of the hero's weaknesses and movements and be sure to direct the hero's attention only to my enemies. If the hero ever decides to come after me anyway, I will know exactly where to find him and how to kill him. Any real mentors will be taken to an old age home and labeled as completely senile, not killed so they can fuel the righteous vengeance of the hero.
All healing objects placed on my Mooks will be placed internally, and cause Regeneration while it's activated. That way, the Heroes will not be able to take it off their (deceased) person after their defeat.
Hell, at low health, make the Mooks run frantically to the Hero and explode on them. To encourage this behavior, I shall promise resurrection in a stronger body once they sacrifice themselves. If that isn't possible, promise to make sure their loved ones never have to worry about money. I will keep either of these promises, as it encourages loyalty.
Having thought about it more rationally, I will not have my minions explode. Suicide bombers only guarantee bad PR, and automatic explosion upon death not only guarantees that I will likely received severe injury or death as a result, but would play hell on morale when my men start exploding all over their squad mates.
Not to mention the fact that killing one member of my legion of doom could set off a chain explosion.
I will keep the Evil Overlord List away from Mooks and the Heroes, so as to keep them from knowing my plans.
However, I will still assume that the Heroes managed to get a copy anyway, and plan accordingly.
Anyone even remotely competent, intelligent, skillful, good at fighting, or otherwise useful in any way whatsoever should already either be working for me or be dead.
Unless they're a sufficiently BadassHeroic Neutral. If possible, I'll just leave them alone.
The top tiers of my organization will be made up of people I would trust with my life. I really can't be bothered worrying about who's planning to backstab me next. If I can't find people I'd trust with my life it's not going to be a very successful organization anyway.
I will never double cross anyone I've teamed up with until after we accomplished the goal which forced us to team up in the first place.
In fact, all alliances will be made with the understanding they're over one second after the goal is achieved.
Make this second a little longer: Aaand…till all the parties who helped with the achieved goal are safely home, or at their base. Makes sense for Evil Overlords to watch their backs!
with a reasonable time limit. The provision is designed to prevent the members of the alliance truning on each other immediately afterwards, not allow some smartass to keep the alliance going by not returning to their base or home.
If I manage to convert one of the heroes I will not immediately send him to fight against his old friends. Instead I'll give him a free month's stay at a tropical resort as a signing bonus and then deploy him as far away from his previous team as possible.
Sending the hero's evil opposite after him is actually a pretty good plan. But since perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything, I'll send my other elite troops as backup.
Some of my elite troops will spend part of their time locked up in my dungeons, turned into stone, shoved in an alternate dimension, or otherwise replicating whatever storage method I use for the people I do not for some reason choose to kill immediately. They will be recompensed for this service. That way, if the hero ever shows up and starts randomly freeing my prisoners, there will be someone on the spot to either take him out or at least thin the escapee crowd a bit.
While doing this, they will be expected to take note of any weaknesses in the storage system that may be potential escape routes, to be seen to immediately.
If fact they'll be given large bonuses if they manage to escape the dungeon (on their own or with hero assistance) and report in detail on the methods used. The dungeons will be immediately upgraded if this ever happens.
If I ever feel like releasing the heroes into a jungle and then riding after them atop an elephant, I will instead kill them and go visit my psychiatrist again.
No matter how much ancient mystical power they hold, collectible card games will not be the key to my evil plan. However, I will not be above marketing them to children and organizing a series of tournaments with a cool and mysterious looking but actually useless object as a prize.
I will, however, keep any cool and mysterious-looking but actually useful objects for examination and, in the event of excessively negative side effects, store them in an inconspicuous safe hurtling an inconspicuous several thousand miles per hour towards the sun.
I will use proportionate response and avoid collateral damage where possible. But if the citizens of an area continue getting uppity, it might just be time to remind them how my Legions of Doom got their name.
If I have the ability to bring people back from the dead, I will milk it for all it's worth. However, I will not raise a beloved relative/mentor of the hero to fight him under my psychic control. That never ends well for me, and now It's Personal.
The different branches of my organizations will have reliable access to relevant information about that organization's activities. The people charged with killing cryptic old men and the people charged with planting fake cryptic old men need to know about each other.
Not that the former need to always ignore the results of the latter, or else the hero will figure out that the cryptic old men that get left alone are probably fakes, and will take seriously the ramblings of the old men that do get killed.
If I do decide to have children after all, I will also gather babies of the same age into my castle. All the children will be given an education and combat training, as well as indoctrinated. Not only will they form the elite core of my empire, this will also give my children the chance to find a love interest long before any hero has the motor skills to get anywhere near them.
At the same time, I will remember the Westermarck Effect and will keep up-to-date in modern genetics and psychology. I want to deter my children from rebelling against me after all, not make them feel like their only chance for a normal life is to go over to the hero's side; making them feel like I'm pushing incest on them won't help that goal.
In short, for important milestones in my children's life, I will invite as many families as is reasonably possible for parties. Any friends my children make will be noted and invited more frequently and if, possible, trained along side them. I will then either locate or secretly commission stories that cast the Unlucky Childhood Friend as tragedies and reinforce the concept of the First Girl Wins. If the Hero is my child's childhood friend, then I'm screwed, aren't I?
Not necessarily. Whatever else he or she may know about me, the Hero can't help but remember me as the guy who gives awesome birthday parties with ice cream, cake, and pony rides. There is a good chance I can at least get away with my life.
If I decide to use biological weapons (i.e. parasites or viruses) as a means of controlling the populace, I will not use the same as my primary method of attack against the hero. Unfortunately, heroes have a tendency to luck into those "one-in-a-million" immunities to such things. In addition, I will never employ any virus as a weapon until a working antidote or vaccine has been mass-produced for my own forces and population.
If, for some reason, I do not wish to kill anyone, I will immediately begin research into creating a device to hold victims in a state of permanent stasis. Alternatively, if such a thing exists within my setting, I will attempt to access and use the Phantom Zone. Both plans come with serious risks, but if the setting I'm in tends to hand out Karmic Death with reckless abandon to anyone who kills so much as a nameless peasant, perhaps they make the safer route.
I will not have my mad scientists conduct cruel experiments on children, especially young girls. This goes double for psychic or otherwise supernaturally-gifted children, and triple for supernaturally-gifted girls. Instead, these children will be given supportive, kindly, and extremely gracious treatment while quietly indoctrinating them to serve me. The last thing I want is a long-suffering sympathetic character to result from this, unless they are firmly on my side.
If I do decide to summon a demon, regardless of age or type, I will be sure that I know the all possible methods to banish it, lest it turns out to be more difficult to command than expected.
To be particularly safe, I will summon the fiend in the midst of enemy territory and then run. The brunt of any rampage will be taken by the surrounding enemy populace, and there is little chance the heroes would attempt to ally with such a beast.
Alternately, I will no try to summon a demon, fiend, or other unholy creature, and endeavor to conquer the world on my own power. If I must summon a demon, I will summon this demon inside of my enemy's body, so that the demon's appearance kills him/her by displacement.
This will be done whilst the hero is restrained from every possible movement, including word of mouth, in a location where the hero's allies (if there are any) are equally restrained, preferably nearby absolutely nothing so that the demon can be left alone after consuming or otherwise ending the party of heroes. If possible, this will be recorded and broadcast to the world as an execution of genocidal traitors. Otherwise, it will remain quiet and undiscussed.
When plastering my kingdom with Dead Or Alive wanted posters for the heroes, I will not list their crimes as "Rebellion Against The Throne" or "Thieving from the Royal Coffers" which will gain them unnecessary sympathy among the masses. Instead, the warrant will be put out for Child Molestation, Serial Rape/Murder of Prostitutes, and Littering. Depriving the hero of the alliance Hooker with a Heart of Gold, the Tagalong Kid, the Friend to All Living Things, and the Even Evil Has Standards members of the resistance will only act in my favor.
I will also make sure that there is no way for the heroes to prove their innocence. It only makes me look worse than I already am, if they can prove that the charges are made up.
As if I don't have a reserve of dead prostitutes for just such an occasion.
I will use "Attempt to overthrow ruler", but only in the areas with a high concentration of fangirls.
I will kill the fangirls. All of them.
Alternatively, I will endear myself to them, thereby ensuring that no matter what I do, there will always be a very, very vocal sect that loves and adores me. Not to mention they can be quite scary when turned against someone.
... but if that doesn't work, then yes. I will kill the fangirls.
You're doing it wrong. You recruit the fangirls. A large dedicated army of women? The perfect army/harem! However, to prevent female heroes sneaking in, I will require on the application a multi-chapter fan-fiction saga that conforms to all correct minutia of my personal canon, save which people I am likely to make out with (...I want some people to pass this test, after all). Also, this saga must have an acceptable ending, as Evil Overlords hate Dead Fic as much as anyone else.
Okay, no, I'll just announce my evil plans in the most non-villainous voice around, making me appear as more of a Cloudcuckoolander than an actual Evil Overlord.
If I ever have to ally myself with a supernatural being, I will always keep in mind that a more powerful and harder-to-destroy being who's opposed to my new patron might exist. If I find out, I'll quickly change sides. No one wants to be on the losing side of Judgment Day. However, any deity's claims to omnipotence and omniscience will be met with careful skepticism.
No, I WON'T shoot him in the face, especially if he has friends nearby. Crossing Moral Event Horizons tends to result in Laser-Guided Karma. If I choose to do it anyway, I will make sure he's a Anti-Hero, and not a Friend to All Living Things or The Messiah. Plus, if I keep my word to the hero, I can trick him into an agreement a later point, and gently remind him that I've kept * my* end of the bargain to him.
I will make sure, however, that said immortality doesn't just grant eternal life and youth, but * also* immunity to all disease. Cancer is no picnic. If it doesn't, than I will only use it if the ability to repair DNA damage an unlimited number of times exists, and I will learn how to make and use said technology myself, just in case.
If I ever attempt to flush out the hero by capturing someone he cares about deeply, but someone else already tried that and it either didn't work or they got their ass kicked, and I decide to kill the hostage instead, I will rethink that decision a lot. If the hero is that deadly, then I have not only committed a Moral Event Horizon (especially so if the murder was brutal), but the hero will be after me now.
Scratch that about the winter: I will not invade Russia if the estimated time to complete the campaign is in the middle of winter. At least, I'll try to start invade after winter ends (Yes, I know that this line does not fit the whole The Princess Bride thing, but consider the disaster that Napoleon and Hitler faced, it makes more sense).
Any warplans against Russia that predict victory in short decisive campaigning will be discarded. All planning will be done with hard war of attrition in mind. Duration is expected to be at least several years, while suffering horrible weather, guerrilla resistance, and overextended supply lines. During invasion I will treat locals better than current government (that should be easiest part), while trying to get various oppressed minorities, dissidents, revolutionaries and secessionists to support me, or at least weaken current government. All my evil plans which require unpopular acts like terror, executions, and ethnic cleansing, will be postponed until organized resistance has been defeated, population has been disarmed and guerrilla resistance wiped out.
Or I could just Nuke them from orbit.
I like that idea. When in doubt, just use nukes or Kill Sats.
Or I just plain won't invade Russia in the first place. First of all, the place is so big that my supply lines will be overstretched and extremely vulnerable. Second, no one who collaborates with my forcescan be trusted. Third, the government has a whole goddamn CONTINENT to retreat across; they're not going to surrender just because I've captured Moscow. Fourth, fully capturing the place will take so long that my forces are going to face General Winter no matter when I start the invasion. Rather than pick a fight with Russia, I will ally with them; they make reallygoodtanks, the place is a great fallback position in the unlikely event that my own lands are overrun, and their national animal symbol is a friggin' BEAR. Besides, the only group that really "conquered" Russia didn't really rule over the place after doing so; they just demanded regular tribute and otherwise left the people alone. And even then, they were ultimately driven out.
Diatribes are a big no-no, nobody needs to know your plans except the people that were at the presentation and planning, and they already know the plan, so it's just a waste at that point.
If I decide to Hypnotize the Princess, I will just do it on someone I am attracted to, and it will just be for a few quickies or to facilitate cooperation in Rule 8 in my original guide. Anything else attempted with this damsel is likely to end badly for me.
If a group of minions report seeing a creature previously believed to be mythical, I will not dismiss their claims simply because the creature is from a "children's story." Instead, I will send a team equipped with cameras and scientific equipment to investigate before I can make a sufficient conclusion.
In fact, I will be a strong supporter of animal rights and environmental protection in general. If I have weapons of mass destruction, they will be the "creates wilderness" variety instead of the "makes a smoking crater" variety (a Well-Intentioned Extremist gets slightly better PR anyway). If my plans are environmentally destructive, this will be offset by green initiatives and large cash donations to animal rights groups. This way, I can recruit the Friend to All Living Things as my dragon, and deprive The Hero of their services.
If captured by the hero for any length of time, I will act polite and nonthreatening like the Magnificent Bastard I am. I will not try to escape until I have a reasonably high chance of success, and I will not taunt my enemies—this will either make the guards let their guard down or unnerve the hell out of everyone. If, however, I'm taken to the rebel base, I will keep an ear open for any signs of attack. If I'm unable to get the hell out of there before such an attack, I'll dodge the Karmic Death by saving the hero's life and escaping with him. Faking a Heel Face Turn is optional.
I will resist the temptation to humiliate captured enemies through deathtraps, forced signs of subjugation (like kneeling) or forcing them to fight each other. I will treat my prisoners with basic human respect. My dungeons will be well maintained, well lit and possess basic comforts—not only does this make it easier to keep an eye on prisoners and prevent escape, but they will be less eager to do so.
My prisoners will receive proper health care. If I capture somebody in battle, their wounds will be treated. If an important enemy is unconscious when I pick them up and in battle/a deathtrap/et cetera, I will have both their feet amputated and inform them that they were crushed when they wake up. Try escaping NOW, hero.
It's already been done. You shouldn't tempt fate, even in your thoughts.
This won't stop my from hiring them as soldiers, obviously, because fanatics make great infantry.
I will keep in mind that the most dangerous person in the hero's group is either the little old man or the small, skinny girl. If the hero is either of these, well, liberal use of the Kill Sat is always a good plan.
You know something? Screw this list and all its rules. If I follow all these rules I'll never have any fun and that's the whole point of being an Evil Overlord. Being Genre Savvy IS BORING. So the only rule I'm going to have is not to follow any of these rules. So what if the Hero kills me? At least I get to have fun, and besides, Who Wants to Live Forever??
Well...What about a simulated reality? You can do whatever you want in there and it all becomes fake! Though you gotta be careful that you actually know if you are in the simulation. Maybe you get a funny hat when you enter...
You're not getting it. Evil Overlording is hard work. There's plenty of time for genocidal fun once The Chosen One is gone, and until then, if you are not content with obscene wealth, nigh-unstoppable power, your multiple harems, your army of loving servants, your rocket car, your house made of gold, and the gaping hole of black in your chest where a human heart once beat and loved, maybe you should choose another career. If you want a short and fun life with a painful end, we have openings in our Big Bad Wannabe department.
If I must put in the ability for the hero to hack my equipment, I will make certain to make it literally impossible (for example: if it is done via a pipe-dream-esque setting, I will make the one slot before the exit set off an alarm or cause the device to explode in a violent fashion).
They will, however, be considered for non-stealth missions. No sense throwing away people with good combat abilities because of personal bias.
People who shout the names of their (incredibly devastating) attacks will fit right in with the Quirky Miniboss Squad. People who feel the need to name even attacks as simple as kicks and punches will only be fit for the role of Court Jester, which will be the job with the highest mortality rate in my entire evil empire. My desires to build and use inescapable death traps will be vented on the Court Jester.
If their name is Jack Rackan, however, I shall endeavour to get as far away from them as possible.
Ninjas in my employ shall be hired according to their skillsets and organized into one of the following sub-categories:
Combat Ninjas shall accompany my Legions of Terror dressed as one of the basic soldiers; imagine the hero's surprise when his small group is butchered by the seemingly useless Mook.
Assassination Ninjas shall be just that, Assassins. Refer to all Assassin based entries for help.
Subtlety Ninjas shall work as my Spies and Infiltrators, planting false information, retrieving important information and generally making the Rebellions efforts much more difficult.
If I decide to become legit, I will still be evil. There will be much cackling, and declarations of my godhood. Because, if I'm completely legit, there's no need for humility since no one can punish me for anything.
No matter how consumed I am by The Dark Side, I will never ignore or forget the reasons I became an Evil Overlord in the first place. Just saying that I inherited The Empire from my dad doesn't count.
Why waste the surprise on a kick? The moment where she throws herself into the arms of her "liberator" will be a great opening for that knife hidden in her feather-duster.
If at all technologically feasible, I will not command my forces from an evil lair or fortress; that will instead be a symbolic center and be used as a barracks and storehouse, if anything. Instead, I will secure a smaller but equally-secure and very-well-hidden hideout some distance away. This A. serves as a backup command when the Big Damn Heroes storm my palatial castle-tower in the middle of Mordor, B. robs the Action Hero of his much-anticipated Boss Battle (in which my victory would be unlikely), and C. acts as a safeguard for the inevitable collapse that could otherwise be my death.
My palatial castle-tower will be able to remote detonate. Which I will use when the heroes arrive in "my chambers" at the very top of the 10th floor. Or possibly several stories underground. Either way, I want it to be inescapable.
Why most villains make themselves so easy to locate is unknown, but you can be sure most heroes would not expect such tactics, nor would they take a liking to rooting through acres of wilderness looking for a hidden second base while you continue a guerrilla war with the remainder of your army.
I would think that the point of being the evil overlord would be to make sure that the peasants kneel before you on a daily basis. Living in a concrete bunker in the wilderness during times of peace would be just ridiculous. I became an evil overlord for the perks, that's what makes conquest worthwhile.
To ensure that "Evil Cannot Comprehend Good" does not come into play, I will familiarize myself with whatever morality system the heroes subscribe to, and so confirm that the reverse is true. Even if this seems trivial, it still can be useful when predicting my enemies' actions. Remember, they have moral and social limits that you do not, so do not fatally overestimate them and assume they think like you.
I will however remember that abusing morality systems tends to cause Anti Heroes to emerge. Heroes without moral and social limits can be extremely dangerous to the villain that is used to abusing morality systems.
I will not make assumptions about the humanity and morality of the hero who struts about in all black and slaughters every minion he crosses paths with. While some heroes slaughter mooks without a second thought only to spare the Evil Overlord, I will not count on this.
All of my personal grooming will be done by me and me alone, especially if it involves a blade or something that will go in my mouth or eyes, no matter how luxurious, opulent, or flashy it would be to pay others to do it for me.
If I don't want to risk cutting my own hair and making a mistake that looks horrible or stupid, I will only allow someone I trust near my neck with a pair of scissors or a razor, and they will have guns trained on them at all times.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be autistic, just in case another Simon appears; then, I'll have someone that would have their mind working the same way.
I'll start pretending to be a nice fellow to everyone, and sharping up my innocent looks. If it worked quite well for Aizen, wouldn't it work for someone that's more of a Genre Savvy than him?
From time to time, I will creep around my evil lair, sneak up on guards, and shout "Boo!" Any guard who jumps will be demoted to light infantry.
The front line of the light infantry, in fact.
I will wear sufficient armor to protect myself while doing this, though. Any guard who responds by turning around and pointing their weapon at me, presumably before I'm in stab-them range, will be considered for promotion to my Personal Guard. And at least a raise.
On second thought, I will hire somebody else to do this and equip them with a mini-cam to record the results. No sense risking death because the guard I just startled got a lucky shot through the gaps in my armor.
Incidentally, I will learn how to move silently. I will then exercise this knowledge by making as much of the floor in my lair creak as much as possible, to prevent intruders from moving silently. The exception will be floors that lead to my emergency escape route.
When, or if, I actually manage to Take Over the World, I must immediately start working to keep everyone together. La Résistance will likely be trying to ruin my new global order, and I want as few people as possible in said rebellion. Bread and Circuses will be my best way to reduce the rebels' numbers, because La Résistance is often-times formed from an oppressive ruler. And do I really want to have to deal with that problem AFTER I took over the world and have to govern everyone?
Plus, if I start in the Outback, it may take years for anyone to notice.
If at any point the hero shouts "You're insane/mad/crazy" I will NOT ignore them or laugh. I will be seeing a psychiatrist anyway, since it's hard to enjoy absolute power when you aren't right in the head.
My psychiatrist will NOT be someone that I kidnapped. I will require someone loyal who will engage in Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Preferably loyalty that will be bought with my obscene wealth versus someone with a conscience.
In fact, let's just cut out the middleman and have most of the false weaknesses require a Heroic Sacrifice.
Or the false weakness will require the sacrifice of innocent blood. This will rule out most heroes from trying to kill me, and then I only have to keep watch for anti-heroes.
I will remember that when it comes to blows my choice is not limited to the use of small arms, illegal purchase of second-handnukes and expensive development of awesome, but unreliable Death Rays with subsequent even more expensive and suspicious orbit injection. For those cases when a few bullets fail to convey the message, there are various anti-tank munitions, ThermiteMissile Massacre, explosive-driven magnetic generators (for more hi-tech foes) and other destructive effects to try. At worst, it will give me a chance to disengage and try something else another day, as the laws of the genre are against one's demise until all Impressive Pyrotechnics options are exhausted if one keeps trying—so it's wise to have some more up my sleeve.
Screw the "never bring swords to a gunfight" rules. I will, of course, bring a gun, but I will also bring several knives and a strangling cord to any fight I have.
The reason why is because of the ever so annoying trope Never Bring a Knife to A Fist Fight which always screws up the technological logic behind weapons.
On second thought, I will simply not get involved in a gun or fist fight. My body double will do it. When the Hero and the double disarm to enter the ring, my expert team of snipers will blow the hero's head off of his shoulders from half a mile away. The body double will then use the explosive hidden in his cloak to blow up the body just to make sure. If the hero is really powerful, then I'll bring in the Kill Sat, which has the added advantage of killing any sidekicks who came to watch the fight.
I will make certain I have a Cool Ship of any variety, if only because they have a tendency to be more powerful than regular ships. And it will be my personal mode of transport, and outfitted so that only I can drive it. That way, those blasted heroes won't swipe it from me and use it against me.
Also, if I absolutely have to control a hero or one of their loved ones, I will use more than one method of control, just in case the hero or heroes manage to break one of the methods.
I will use different, random combinations of letters and numbers for all passwords instead of easily-remembered codewords like "swordfish", or my mother's maiden name. Such common passwords will instead trigger an automatic lockdown and sound the alarm.
If I find myself I absolutely compelled to do the Slouch of Villainy, I will retain the services of a competent chiropractor and a good in-house masseuse.
Children orphaned because some clueless hero tried to topple my regime and the ensuing mob law got violent will make excellent followers, since they understand that even unjust law is better than none at all.
Since I'm a realistic evil overlord, my main priority in any conflict will be to "not lose" rather than to actually "win".... As Sun Tzu said "Defeat lies in one's own hands whereas victory lies in the hands of the enemy" and since most of the time it's easier to kill a cockroach than to crush a hero's determination to win it will be easier in the long run
If the Hero is between the ages of ten and thirty, I will be especially careful. Extra caution shall be used when they reach the ages of 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, and 25.
If two countries are at war with one another, I will sell weaponry, soldiers, and supplies to both sides of the conflict........I will charge the country that's losing the war more for my aid because I know that they are more desperate, and I will also try and keep the war lasting as long as possible, be it through spreading rumours of surprise attack from one side or assassination of pesky pro-peace officials in one of the country's bureaucracies and framing the other side for it........This would be efficient and beneficial for me for several reasons
It would allow me to make A LOT OF MONEY.
I would be able to test the lethality of my weaponry and my soldiers would earn combat experience without me to actually having to go to war on anyone.
I will not provide manpower to both sides of the conflict. The last thing I need is for my soldiers to grow accustomed to killing each other.
In fact, individual cells will have no furnishings whatsoever. The toilet will be a hole in the stone floor, too small for any hero to crawl through. Just in case, the pit underneath will have no method of escape; it's a dungeon, it doesn't need to smell good.
Meals will, of course, be supervised from start to finish, and all dishes will be returned. It goes without saying that the hero will be given nothing sharper than a spoon.
Industrious Heroes have been known to sharpen spoons into weapons. Wooden spoons would splinter. Plastic spoons can still gouge an eye. Absolutely no spoons.'
Of course, making sure your guards are fully armored with eye protection when handling the hero goes a long way in that regard. If the hero can puncture the lens of a clear metal goggle with nothing but a plastic spoon, then you're probably going to need a sturdier dungeon anyway.
If I absolutely MUST keep the hero alive, there's absolutely no reason to let him keep his HANDS. At the very least, his thumbs will be removed.
If I am given a gift of wine and the giver swigs from the bottle to prove it's not poisoned, I will not then drink it from a cup that was also provided by said giver unless they drink from the same cup first. Also, if I have a food taster, I will wait more than five minutes after they have tested a foodstuff before I consume it myself. And my food taster will test EVERYTHING; I don't want to end up diluting safe wine with untested poisoned water. I will of course make sure I build up an immunity to every known poison in the world in the first place, but it never hurts to have a backup plan.
If I must wear an animal skull as a helmet, I will remove the teeth first, or at least blunt them.
I will pull a SHODAN when it comes to dead bodies. Namely, all dead bodies will be cybernetically resurrected and augmented with not only cool abilities but brainwashed to obey me.
It's not brainwashing if I cut out the entire brain and put in an efficient microprocessor, removing all memories and humanity in the process.
I will only convince a less advanced civilization that I am a god if I already meet their qualifications for one, there are no rivaling deities, their religion is not a strictly pacifistic one, and I am benefited in some way by worship. If I have advanced technology, I will share it with them as long as it is not capable of destroying me in any way.
All soldiers will be instructed that anyone I bother sending them after is worth killing, as are their close friends, especially if those friends have powers of their own.
When reading this list, if certain elements contradict each other, I will assume the Original Overlord List to be the more Genre Savvy, and thus follow the rules on that list. Also, I will remember that some things just wouldn't work. For example, although there are some things I must keep on my person at all times, I cannot keep 5 guns, 3 knives, the Infinity+1 Sword, The Infinity Plus One Armor, 5,000 Remote Detonators, 10,000 Keys, The Plans to all my various Schemes, 50,000 of whatever currency I have, several books, a couple of maps, the Game Guide, several Plot Coupons, my shopping list, and my teddy bear all on me. At least not at the same time, and labeling all those keys and detonators would be a pain.
Hmm, well, I guess… No, that wouldn't work. Even if I had a place to store all that crap, finding specifically what I need in that pile would be unfeasible.
Heward's Handy Haversack is a Bag of Holding with an auto-sort feature, and tends to be cheaper than the equivalent bag.
If The Hero is my trusted lieutenant's son, and I won my trusted lieutenant over with his/her love of family, I will not try to kill The Hero in said lieutenant's presence.
Nor would I send my trusted lieutenant after his hero son even if he volunteers, not until it's neccessary. I will reject his request with a Big No and tell him how it will be hurtful to fight his own child. This will keep my status as Noble Demon and if there is some goodness left in my trusted lieutenant's heart, he will certainly align it with me.
Just because the hero is dead for good does not mean I can be totally secure in my power. There will always be someone to take their place.
If I am fighting in space, any who wish to be in command of any of my ships must first pass a class about space. This class will try to ensure that my commanders do not believe anyofthosecommonlyheldmisconceptionsormythsaboutthewayouterspaceactuallyworks. This will give me a huge tactical advantage over my enemies who do hold these beliefs.
Unless it turns out that space really does work that way in the universe I occupy, in which case I will adjust the classes accordingly.
Screw making my defenses Nintendo Hard. I will make them the Kobayashi Mario: Literally unbeatable. No way for my enemies to win.
Exactly how will you do this, though? Only genuine reality warpers can pull that off outside of computer-sim worlds, and even then heroes will always find a way. It's worse to believe that one's defenses are impregnable than for there to be an actual vulnerability (especially if one is quite well aware of that vulnerability and ready to kill anything that "exploits" it).
screw this minion buisness ill just steal aquamans powers then use cthulhu and dagon as super weopons and use the human size cthulhu star spawn and deep ones as infantry
I will ensure that I present myself in a manner that does not garner ridicule from my enemies, unless I am trying to lower their guard at the expense of my credibility. This means that I will not, under any circumstances, ever use the above writing style.
Poor punctuation is unbecoming of any aspiring overlord, and no one wants to follow a leader who can't form a complete sentence, let alone an evil army.
I will under no circumstances ever be a Grammar Nazi such as the above troper. It just makes you that much more hateable.
Instead, I will merely strive to maintain my own communication abilities at a presentable level. There is no profit in being a Grammar Nazi; After all, if my competition is embarrassing themselves, why should I offer them any assistance?
When starting my reign of terror, I must make sure that everything is in my favor. I won't be shortsighted fool trying to subvert the evil AI; I'll be the evil AI. Instead of being the naive sap who tries to unlock the Sealed Evil in a Can, I will be the evil that is sealed... Except I won't be sealed. If, in the event that I am not in a favourable position when I come into existence, I will never employ the services of the aforementioned. Instead, I will allow my rivals to pursue such foolhardy tasks. If an opportunity presents itself where the protagonists requests my help with the containment of any inevitable apocalypse, I will readily comply.
Obviously, if I were in a position where I was a malignant AI or the not-quite-so-sealed evil, I will not announce my presence to the rest of the world. I want to run things by my own agenda, and preemptive strikes from the world authorities, while futile, are ultimately distracting.
To avoid a situation where the protagonist's weakness gives him a stuffy nose while my weakness causes me to die, I will have my doctors cure my weakness to at least equal to my opponent (if they are unable to cure it completely).
To secure that my loyal subjects don't see that I'm actually an antagonist, I will work my evil empire from afar… like several countries away… using a webcam. My highest ranked men can hopefully be trusted to cause terror and such without fucking something up.
Should I be injured, I will take a vacation rather than put gauze on it, leaving a large target for my opponent to aim at.
My WMDs will be able to be deployed at any moment, regardless of if it is only at 60% power when the hero bursts in to stop me. That way, while the hero is feeling great for reaching me before the doomsday weapon is at full power, I can shoot him in the gut and fire the DeathLaser at the capital city (causing significantly less damage, but I still make my point).
Forget Rule 81, I just won't ever put myself in such a situation in the first place. If I ever have to fight on a moving platform that zooms under low hanging beams, I'll kill my opponent, and then kill the jackass who left a moving plaform in an area with low hanging beams.
On second thought, I will not forget it. I will kill any incompetent jackass that puts moving platforms near low-hanging beams. However, I will also keep in mind that, in the event of property damage due to explosions, damage, or the like, things that were formerly safely out of the way may now be in the way. In that event, "If he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat" is preferable to being hit from behind by a rapidly approaching beam.
The giant cannon sticking out of the top of my lair will actually just be a large spotlight. The real weapon will be disguised as a tourist trap in the middle of Oklahoma or North Dakota.
If I launch a nuke that can be stopped while in flight I will have another attack launched stealthily while the dumbasses are trying to disarm the nukes (like I'd actually waste my time nuking Hobokin, NJ).
I will not launch my fake nuke at New Jersey. That wouldn't fool anyone.
If the heroes have already send my plan irrevocably down the toilet, I will not attack them, and if they tell me 'it's over', I'll just surrender. Vilains sometimes have successes, but the survival chance when trying to kill the heroes as revenge for foiling your plot are abysmal.
I will not be in a situation where surrender is my only option.
If the feudal Japanese(-esque) village I dominate is visited by a mysterious swordsman who trounches some of my minions during their routine-terrorising, I'll go to full alert. I will not try to kill, hire, negotiate or even talk with him. I'll take my best men outside of town for a bit to see if he leaves. If he goes to help the villagers, I'll cut my losses and leave in the direction he came from. Wandering heroes like that seldom backtrack, and I'll likely find a village who's previous tyrannical rulers have been disposed off by said hero, which is now ripe for the picking.
If I, or any of my minions, are infiltrating the hero's team, the first order of buisness is to ask him about all those innocent facts about him that I already know. The 6 words any spy dreads to hear is "I never told you my name".
If killing an entire family is neccesary for my evil plan, I'll order my minions to toss a hand grenade under whichever bed would offer the best view of the place where the parents were killed. That's were the last son or daughter who will come after me sooner or later is hiding.
My time-bombs will not include a bright timer, a blinking light, or a beeping sound that would allow anyone to easily find them. My remote-controled bombs will detonate immediately on triggering, not after 5 seconds of blinking light/beeping sound. If the bomb is next to the hero, he might escape, while if it's close to a villain, he'll just stare in horror.
If I make use of a time-bomb at all, all of its wires will be red. Cutting any of them will cause it to detonate. As well, it will be set to detonate when the timer reads one hour and twelve minutes left, as no hero has ever disarmed a bomb with over an hour on the timer.
My ventilation shafts will be man-sized - and a deathtrap.
They will be equipped with sensors and guillotines.
FIRST the guilloutines right and left to the triggered sensor will come down, and THEN the guilloutine above the sensor.
The smaller ventilation shafts will also be equipped with guillotines. Animalsidekicksare aplague these days.
Alternatively, the ventilation shafts will be mainly used to distribute mind control gas.
As an alternative to sensor-triggered guillotines, the insides of the shafts will have two-inch-long blades extending from all sides and packed together closely enough that anyone attempting to use the shafts will be unable to do so without slicing themselves up and ultimately dying from blood loss.
Or I'll just make the shafts too small to crawl through; chances are that no matter how good the booby traps are, the hero will survive.
I will emulate a hero while doing my evil deeds. Roving parties of adventurers always seem to work for them, so why not give it a shot?
I will choose a language in which my Legions of Doom are to give and follow orders—preferably a language my enemies do not speak. Any orders given to them in a different language than the aforementioned are to be ignored, no matter how believable the source's accent is.
If I so choose to make this language a dead, extinct one that no one speaks anymore, I will also take measures to insure my Legions of Doom know who to listen to. Chances are, the hero has someone in his party who can speak the language, regardless.
While an Evil Overlord should have every right to spend his nation's resources on personal comfort, I will make sure before doing so that there is nothing else that desperately needs said resources. I'm probably comfortable enough as it is, and I do not want my authentic Repin to be the reason why I have ill-trained soldiers with too few weapons.
The people of any land I conquer are now my people and should be treated accordingly. Letting my Legions of Doom rape, loot, and pillage to their hearts' content is just asking for partisan problems down the road and will give the hero plenty of allies within my own borders when he visits the area.
If I suspect one of my most brilliant generals is plotting against me, I will make sure I have actual proof from sources less biased than I am before attempting to get rid of him.
On that note, if he is currently commanding troops in what is shaping up to be a very important battle, I will wait until that battle is over before initiating any sort of investigation that would require his absence from the battle. Besides, if he gets killed in that battle, it doesn't matter either way, since I'll be able to use his earlier loyalty for propaganda.
If I suspect his plot involves throwing said battle, I will make sure he knows that failure, no matter how directly and immediately it leads to the end of my rule, will result in his death.
Any prisoners that the hero is attempting to rescue will be killed. If the hero's willing to go on a veritable suicide mission to get them out, they're clearly more useful to the hero alive than they are to me alive. The only exceptions are if they have valuable information that I can't obtain by other means, in which case they will be relocated to another detention facility.
To be very specific, they will be transported there through a subterranean tunnel that can only be accessed from deep within the facility. By the time the hero has fought his way to said tunnel, the prisoner will already be safely under lock and key in the other facility. The instant the prisoner is away from the facility the hero has entered, the tunnel will be sealed off. The tunnel will remain sealed until the hero is no longer in the facility, the facility is fully repaired, and any guards the hero killed or otherwise made unfit for duty have been replaced and properly trained to handle their new posts.
Unless I couldn't care less about what becomes of my empire after I die, I will not attempt to divide it among my heirs.
Ideally, I will not have more than one heir (or take the advice of the original list and not have any).
If I am killed, anyone in my will who was involved in my death shall receive nothing but a much shorter life, even if my will entitled them to more.
I will have a full understanding of what completely idiotic excuses for tactics tend to work when the hero employs them. I will develop appropriate countermeasures that are so obviously effective that any imbecilein front of the screen can tell that the hero's tactics suck in comparison to mine.
I will ascend to power by defeating ANOTHER evil overlord. Nothing says "PR" like becoming an Evil Overlord as a hero.
I will, however, make sure that the evil overlord I defeated is more evil than I am.
Marrying for political power, wealth, or physical attraction (or any combination of the three) makes my consort a possible threat to my rule. As such, it is better for us to get married simply because we truly love each other. First of all, love is power, and it also makes it more likely that, no matter what other people think of her, I will think of my consort as being very beautiful. Besides, no one said bad guys couldn't experience "good" feelings like love.
I will also keep an eye on how much interest she has in my power. If she starts to love my position of power more than she loves me, she may become a threat to my rule.
If I am holding someone hostage, I will kill them the instant the hero refuses my demands rather than give the hero time to rescue them.
On that note, any prisoners too valuable alive to use as hostages will never be held hostage in the first place; when an Evil Overlord bluffs, the hero will usually call it.
If one or all of the heroes are Shrouded in Myth, I will take all rumors as fact, just to be safe. For example, if I hear they can bend steel with their bare hands, if they are captured I will take measures to ensure that their restraints are stronger than steel.
If I capture a hero who's known to have Eye Beams, I will not have him or her facing the cell door and I will not stand directly in front of them. Rather, I will place a clamp on their head to prevent them from turning and frying me, and so they are facing another hero.
I will never send one of my female minions into the hero's group to seduce the hero, keep an eye on his movements, trick him into doing my dirty work, etc., because she will almost certainly fall in love with the hero, even if he already has a love interest, and turn on me at the worst possible moment. Even if she is my own lover, even if she is the most loyal minion in my ranks (heck, possibly even if she prefers women), she will still almost certainly side with the hero.
Ugly women tend to be less likely to fall in love with him, so if absolutely necessary, I will send the ugliest woman in my ranks into the hero's group, though if I can avoid this situation in the first place, I will, because she may turn out to be beautiful with the help of a little makeup, a wardrobe change, and a new hairdo, in which case all bets are off.
If I cannot reduce the chance to zero—after all, I might be working with unknown energies—I will ask my engineers to express the probability in a non-traditional notation. This will never be converted to percentage. Million-to-One Chance only works if the chances are comprehensible.
I will keep in mind that it will apply anyway.
In the event that I need to seal the hero and his friends inside one of my fortress's side rooms for a while, there will be an electric device in my minion's uniforms that, when placed in contact with the wiring on the inside of a door's control panel, reverse which side will determine whether the door will either open or seal when the panel is shot. The outside panel will be shot, sealing it on this side, then the device will be applied to the exposed wiring so that when the hero attempts to shoot his way out, he will seal the door on his side.
I will be sure to inform my minons during my teaching them this procedure, that it will not work if they're trying to seal them in a room that would be considered "outside" their current one.
No, no, no, that's far too confusing. Panels on both sides of the doors will contain the ability to both seal and open the door, and operation will be restricted to my own forces by passwords or DNA scans or something. Shooting the panels will simply make them unusable.
I will not use my Kill Sat or any other superweapon to kill the hero, because he CAN and probably WILL survive it. In addition, it might instead kill his love interest or a sidekick who happens to be with him, making his quest to defeat me personal, and thus making the hero even stronger. His forces, on the other hand, are usually vulnerable and are therefore acceptable targets for a superweapon strike—not to mention most of them won't be present when and if the hero is confronting me directly, so it frees up more of my own troops (who can usually be expected to have weapons that CAN kill him) to fight the hero himself.
If the hero is a parent, I will do everything I can to appear awesome to his child. Are you REALLY going to kill your son's idol, Mr. Hero? Do you REALLY want to run the risk of having to kill your own son somewhere down the road?
Upon discovering where the hero lives, I will shower his family with gifts. Perfectly innocent, ordinary gifts. Junior will get toy solders and train sets, and Mrs. Hero will receive lovely dresses and jewelery. Once the kids are calling me "Uncle Overlord" and Mrs. Hero has become affluent, I will imply that I would like "Daddy" to stop trying to kill me.
Scientists who tell me that their project failed will not be punished unless they told me earlier that it was a success. After all, a lot of these projects revolve around things that haven't been tested, so it's inevitable that some of them won't produce the desired results. On the other hand, scientists who tell me that their failed project is a success will be punished once said project's failure is discovered. The degree of the punishment depends on how much the failure has hurt me. If it just cost money to carry out the project but otherwise had no effect on my plans, a reasonable amount of the cost will taken out of their own money. If, however, this project has, say, destroyed one of my cities, thus convincing many of my people to side with the hero, then unless this was the project's first test and there was no way of knowing beforehand that it would fail, that scientist is dead.
He will be sentenced to death in a public trial. In said trial, it will be explained in length why it's his fault and not mine.
Experiments that can destroy citys will be conducted as far away from cities or any mayor import facilities as possible.
I will take all people who take up arms against me seriously, no matter how ridiculous their methods are.
The instant I have an opportunity to kill my enemy without endangering myself or my plans, I will take advantage of it.
I will keep in mind that the laws of reality might not apply to my universe. Even if anyone looking in from the outside thinks whoever created my universe is insane, I will follow the creator's rules. If women in my universe are the worst fighters in existence, then no matter how unfair it may look, I will refrain from giving my female minions any combat-related jobs. Likewise, even if my universe contradicts things everyone knows, I follow the laws of my universe, not the real universe.
If my capital is seized, I will only surrender if the capital was all that was left of my country at that point or if I was seized along with the capital and have no way of escaping alive.
Whilst I shall not approve of hostility between my citizens, thus earning me a few brownie points, I shall encourage people to laugh at those idiots with their pants on the outside.
Should any of my Mooksrun away, I will let them go instead of having my trackers follow and try to kill them. There are always more mooks, and chasing after them runs the risk that they befriended the hero during their wanderings so he'll want to avenge them, or stolen an Artifact of Doom whose curse may transfer onto me if I kill them, or picked up a horrible disease that may spread to their executioners, or any number of things it's probably best not to get involved in.
i also will research the why the did run away - after all many mooks sport common sense.
I will not waste resources developing mecha, planet-destroying superlasers, hovering battleships for atmospheric combat, or similar Awesome but Impractical symbols of power. Mecha require enormous feats of engineering and programming to successfully move, let alone fight effectively. A tank will do just as well; it offers better crew protection, a more stable weapons platform, and conceivably equal maneuverability. Hovering vehicles are useful for airstrikes, it is true, but are likewise difficult to design to prevent crashing, and are amazingly vulnerable to the destruction or damaging of even a single propulsion unit. Superlasers and similar doomsday weapons would A) remove the world I was intending to conquer and B) invariably either require infeasible power levels or be destroyed while charging. A hypervelocity gun would do just as well, with the added bonuses of easy-to-make ammunition (metal rods), precision (better to remove an offending city than the entire planet) and comparatively low power draw (no more mage-crafted one-of-a-kind energy crystals). This will free funding for use on practical projects, such as my personal safety, and it reduces my chances of being destroyed by or along with my no-longer-so-intimidating creation.
I will make sure said tank is cooler than any of the aforementioned weapons in order to ensure that the hero's mecha, hovering warships, etc., don't defeat me by invoking the Rule of Cool.
I will make a mecha for show, one that is easily merchandisable. And I won't disdain Fan Works about it either. No making copyright claims about YouTube videos, and no DRM on any video games made about it. I'm an evil overlord, not the RIAA.
Any autodestruct sequence in any of my bastions will, resources permitting, destroy the entire facility at the same time. Failing that, it will be destroyed from the outside in, preventing any intruder from running out ahead of the blast. If the technology or magic exists, Mooks will be teleported elsewhere immediately, bolstering my popularity and preventing any need for retraining when I establish a replacement for that base.
On that note, any base I lose will be reconstructed elsewhere along with any crucial data or artifacts they contained. If there was data, it will be heavily encrypted and transferred before the local memory is purged (preferably with high explosives). Artifacts will always be on my person or otherwise ready for instant evacuation. Imagine any hero's frustration at being forced to relive That One Level time and again without ever acquiring what he was after. Of course, each recreation will feature better and more lethal security arrangements.
If the hero is allegedly dead, I'll kill him immediately after this is announced just to make sure.
His body will be kept under intense surveillance and constant exposure to whatever can disable any special powers he possesses. The cell he is kept in will have poisonous gas constantly pumped through it. To add to that, the walls, ceiling, and floor will have an electric current flowing through them that is so intense it could kill ten of him. Also, the cell will be submerged in a gigantic tank of the most corrosive substance I can get a large enough quantity of. finally, the tank will be at the end of a linear base defended by a special force trained specifically to make sure the hero stays dead and his allies never get to him. The base will be as well-hidden as possible.
Any special powers I possess will only be used if I need to use them and never mentioned to anyone. While having telekinetic powers may be useful, I'd rather have the hero find out I have them at a time when it is inconvenient (preferably lethal) for him. It's also a useful last line of defense against traitors who have planned for everything else.
Each and every bit of information I or any of my underlings have will be encrypted in the best and practical encryption available. Likewise is done for any form of communication. Any software I have must be able to deliver Checksums or other proofs of authenticity at any time - especialy AIs and robots.
I will hire and pay royally every hacker I can get. Said hackers will be used to make my systems more secure and to find any holes in software and hardware I or my scientists come up with.
If I am a magican in a modern Muggle world, I will remember to get all sorts of Muggle weapons and technology that could help me or substitute for my magic. Even if my magic can't kill the hero, a well targeted missile will.
All weapons will have biometric safety that disallows attacks aimed near me. This extends to both conventional and any super weapons. Where possible, implosion-based weaponry will be used in place of explosives for anti-vehicular roles.
I will force George Lucas to remake the Star Wars prequels, and do them right. That ought to gain me the loyalty of about half the nerds on the planet, if not even more. Then I will look into The Matrix sequels and some disputed recent comic book events (you know which ones) if that isn't enough.
I will not Hypnotize the Princess for the usual reasons. I can get my own consort other ways, and inducing a Face Heel Turn is too unreliable. Instead, it will be for fun reasons. If nothing else, I can screw with the hero a hell of a lot. I'll command the love interest to flash the hero every time he says his transformation phrase. Even if that doesn't stop the transformation, his look alone would be worth a laugh. And just for shits and giggles, every time he says his regular Catch Phrase, she will say "I know you are, but what am I?".
Perhaps I shouldn't have children who are evil. Good children might turn against me though. So to minimize the risk, I will adopt a girl who is wise, yet sweet, and raise her as a Princess Classic. She won't continue my evil tradition after my death or ascension to godhood, but I'll be dead or a god, so it won't matter to me. Plus having such a sweet little girl around should earn me adoration points just by being a good parent.
I might choose to also raise her as a Badass Princess to defend herself. One advantage to not doing so would be to have her kidnapped occasionally, with a trusted vassal to "rescue" her. That way, she will likely find heroes too mundane to have any interest when the actual one comes along.
If my daughter ends up Daddy's Little Villain instead, I will still show her love. Unless she's outright psycho, she wouldn't want to kill her beloved parent. And she will get some land to rule when she comes of age, so that she can get some practice for ruling my whole empire later on.
Whether she is evil or good, if the prophesied hero has children, I will find ways for my daughter to become best friends with them (in addition to the aforementioned showering his family with gifts).
If a rebellion actually happens, and succeeds in freeing part of my empire, I will not tighten my grip on what remains, especially not try to keep my subjects simple and uneducated. That will just invite greater rebellion later on. Instead, I will subtly work to resolve an grievance some parts of my remaining lands have, (but no local leaders will let it slip that this is my idea, if they know what's good for them). Furthermore, if the new government of the newly independent land collapses, I will not try to reconquer it. I will instead offer aid with no strings attached. I will make no move to retake it unless the people directly ask me to, and even then I'll just declare it a protectorate. If my empire starts to seem more like a commonwealth, it will be even harder for the hero to stir up a rebellion.
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