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"You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to -- why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is -- is just bogus."—Peter Griffin, Family Guy
"Now, I'm not trying to suggest that marriage is a prison. Of course it's not. In prison, you get regular sex."—Comedian John Wing
"Well, you see, sometimes Mommy wants to have a baby; and other times, I'll forget to take out the garbage."—Comedian Al Rae explaining to his young daughter why it's taking so long for her to get a new baby brother or sister.
—Comedian Glen Foster