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Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn.
Linkara's gonna teach you all a lesson you won't learn.
Brodsky— You're not the smartest
Liefeld-- You're not an artist
Anyone who's had a bad comic published— It could be your turn
LINKARA! HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! Wears a purdy hat
LINKARA! He has a magic gun... Where'd he purchase that?
LINKARA! Coins, robots, Amazons, and trucks.
LINKARA! This! Comic! SUCKS!
Linkara sits down nonetheless, and forces himself through it.
A poorly-written, ugly mess, but someone's gotta do it.
And it's right about time he did;
They made Watchmen without the slimy squid!
And he'll have you know that that's pretty low,
but not quite like the standards of the 90s Kid.
Setting ablaze crossovers, one-shots, and tie-ins,
Linkara stands in reality-defiance
Atop the fourth wall, looking down on us all.
"Of course! Don't you know anything about science?"
There would be better books on his show,
but Quesada sold them to Mephisto,
and now there's nothing left to do
but share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.
LINKARA! HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! What's that on his arm?
LINKARA! Can't seem to fix the Continuity Alarm.
LINKARA! Rock and roll, Insano, some feller in a tux.
LINKARA! This! Comic! SUCKS!
LINKARA! Vincent E.L
"What plan?! She planned for Air Force One to be brought down? She planned to get knocked unconscious by Batman? She planned for the Bana to purportedly to be the real enemy only they're not, thus making their entire sub-plot utterly, totally, completely worthless??!"
"Let this be a lesson, kids--when debating, solve your disagreements not with words, but by screaming I AM A MAN!!!, and punching them in the guts."—Linkara in his Superman At Earth's End review, unknowingly introducing what would become one of his catchphrases.
"Is there no honor among ninjas and ninja-style dancers?! Such a feud could likely result in an alliance between pirates and ninja-style dancers! I’m sorry, but I frankly think the phrase “Ninja-style Dancers” is up there among greatest comic book lines in all of history."—'Linkara on Nightcats "ninja-style dancers"
"And so he upgrades his rig into a technologically advanced super-rig with radars and weapons and the like. But the most patently ridiculous part of this is the remote control he has for his truck that's inside of a silver dollar. And next he'll teach us how to put a TV remote inside of a quarter! Or how about a gun inside of a nickel!?"—Linkara, "Top 15 WTF Moments in Bad Comics": #6: US-1's silver dollar remote control
"I'm looking for plot holes. I'm looking for bizarre character motivations. I'm looking for terrible art. I'm looking for the bland, the bizarre, the lazy, the insipid, the surreal! If a character starts humping another character, I'll be there! If a man is powered by cocaine, I'll be there! If a basketball player challenges a giant lizard to a fight, I'll be there! Bring 'em all on!"—Linkara in his introduction to Atop the Fourth Wall
Narrator: "Previously On..." Atop the Fourth Wall...Narrator: And now, the conclusion.
Linkara: So let's dig into Daredevil #305. (...) Harvey Finevoice, I want that information and I want it now!
Finevoice: Yap, yap, yap, that's all your type ever do. Here. Take it (handing a note), with my blessing.
Linkara: (reading) Angry Joe is walking right into a trap!
Angry Joe: It's Linkara. He's in big trouble. Assemble the army! He's gonna need all the help he can get.
Linkara: Oh my god! TV Tropes used one of my quotes!
Benzaie: This can't be right... it says I'm not French. They say I'm African-American.
Linkara: Get this, Marz Gurl, this time I'M breaking up with YOU!!
MarzGurl: Huh. Whatever, I got passion panties, bitch!
Linkara: Tell me Rorschach, is Benzaie truly made of French toast?
Linkara: There's a conspiracy behind all this. Could Dr. Insano be doing all this?
Insano: Nurse!? If you've taken the last Red Bull I will have you DESTROYED!
Linkara: Look, I know what Joe is up against. I need his help!
Angry Joe: Angry Joe Army, we've gathered here today to help a dear friend: Linkara! No-one can stop our combined forces! Prepare yourselves! ...Oh my god! What the hell... is that?
Linkara: It's Neutro!
Angry Joe: Attack!
The Nostalgia Chick: Alright, so you've found my secret identity. (Ties her hair) That's right. I'm the Nostalgia Chick!
Linkara: But...but how did you... what the... but... with the bowtie and the... what... how are you...? WHAT!? (...) Cry woe, destruction and decay, the worst is death. And death will have his day. (...) I should have known, it was you who was the secret manipulator behind it all: beeeaaaar!
—"Daredevil #306" review
Harvey Finevoice: (bored) Okay, "Previously On..." Atop the Fourth Wall...Caption: And yet all of that still made more sense than Countdown
Nostalgia Critic: My god, it was you all along.
Chester A Bum: Yes, I hijackeded all the nuclear weapons of the world. And now, I have them at my disposal.
Nostalgia Critic: But why? Why did you do it?
Chester A. Bum: Oh... I'm just a bum. A bum who wants to take over the world. (laughs maniacally)
Nostalgia Critic: (interrupting) Y'know, that's not an everyday occurrence.
Chester A. Bum: (stops laughing) ...what?
Linkara: Damn you, Phantasm, we just had a 'previously on' segment a few weeks ago! Why are we doing another one?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, you say, you know, "just a bum who wants to take over the world"? Y'know, it's not, like, hey, that's just a paperboy, there's a ton of those. No no no. That's very, very rare.
Chester A. Bum: What do you mean?
Nostalgia Critic: Like, hey! I'm a psychotic transvestite who likes to rub my feet in butter, y'know? Just one of those?
Chester A. Bum: (talking over the Critic) You know I don't think that, totally uncommon, that's kind of the idea actually, that it was, irony? You know, I don't exactly know if you know what that is, but, straightforward to you...?
Nostalgia Critic: (talking over Chester) ...Like a million of those walking down the street. Hey, another transvestite who kills people that likes tor rub feet in butter, hey hey, that one's name is Bob.
Chester A. Bum: Oh shut up and look at this!
Linkara: Countdown is danger and disease wrapped in darkness and silence.
Dr. Insano: He's coming for you, Linkara! He's coming for you! (laughs maniacally, then falls over)
Nostalgia Critic: What's that?
Chester A. Bum: This is the remote control that will let me blow up any missile in the world!
Nostalgia Critic: You're mad!
Chester A. Bum: Am I? Am I?
Nostalgia Critic: Yes! Very mad.
Harvey Finevoice: I've been sitting here for hours. Why the hell hasn't anyone given me my paycheck? I got dames to smooch!
Film Brain: Equilibrium is brilliant and Wimmer is God!
Linkara: My god! Film Brian, they've gotten to you!
Film Brain: Hey, it's Film Brain! (Evil Laugh)
Chester A. Bum: Perhaps it is you who are mad?
Nostalgia Critic: Nnno, no, it's definitely you.
Chester A. Bum: You know what, you're just rude.
Nostalgia Critic: (talking over Chester) It's like, (gesturing) here's the sane people and here's you. You're over here and the sane people are over here? [incoherent]
Chester A. Bum: I mean, you're obnoxious! I just can't believe how annoying you are. And you're talking and talking and talking. And maybe you can do something nice contribute something to society...?
Linkara: You're not taking over my show, Continuity Alarm. You just stay back. Stay back!
Lee: The future... it's horrible, Linkara. Everybody went to see the Youngblood movie, and, and, we all got... the diseeeaaaase!
Chester A. Bum: What do you think of Hollywood?
Nostalgia Critic: Hollywood? Well, that's where all the great movies are made.
Chester A. Bum: Well, how would you feel if it just...disappeared?
Nostalgia Critic: Noooooo!
Chester A. Bum: (cackles) And tell me, what you think about...Rome?
Nostalgia Critic: Rome? It's the birthplace of culture!
Chester A. Bum: Not anymore!
[The Colosseum explodes, the Nostalgia screams and cries]
Chester A. Bum: And tell me, what do you think of France?
Nostalgia Critic: ...it's okay.
Chester A. Bum: Gone!
[The Eiffel Tower explodes; the Nostalgia Critic screams in even more pain]
Harvey Finevoice: And now, the conclusion. ...I play all the Las Vegas rooms and this is the thanks I get for it.
—Countdown review Part 2
"Gee, it's almost as if the villainous, psychotic, manipulative, crazy-green-scientist-man who calls himself 'The Jackal' was lying or something. Who would've guessed?"—Linkara's commentary on Maximum Clonage when the Jackal orders Spidercide to kill Kane to Kane's surprise.
Linkara: You know, what is it about Ancient Egyptian artifacts that they always seem to have magic powers? Think about it: Black Adam got his powers from another mystical scarab, all the mummies that pop up because of necklaces and jewels... Oh, and let's not forget about the artifact that makes you want to play card games for the rest of your life. And to get through all this crap, you have to pass insurmountable odds in Indiana Jones-esque fashion, and more than one person would die along the way. It seems to me that Ancient Egypt was a freaking death trap! Screw archaeology! Ever think there was a reason this crap was buried?!Disclaimer: Warning! The views of Linkara may not reflect the views of the producers of Atop the Fourth Wall... which is actually Linkara so make of that what you will.
—Blue Beetle Tribute
So begins them (Triplicate Girl and Karate Kid) travelling around trying to find a cure for his [Karate Kid's] disease. Wait a second, I just realised something. These two are running around looking for a cure. Bob [the Monitor]'s group is running around looking for Ray Palmer. Jimmy [Olsen] and Forager are running around looking for the New Gods killer. Trickster and Piper are running around looking for a way out of their handcuffs. They should have just called this series Running Around Looking for Crap!—Linkara, Countdown review Part 1
I'm not some pretty boy with marital problems. I don't have some confused psyche or unresolved parental issues. You're not dealing with a Silent Hill protagonist here! Time and again, someone got it into their head that they could defeat me. Time and again they beat me down, they knocked me out, and they tried to make me give up. You come at me with insecurity, self-doubt, and angst? You try to make me doubt who I am? I am the man who defeated Pyramid Head. I am the man who conquered Countdown. I am the man who fought off the Vohrsoth and destroyed Mechakara! I am the liberator of Kickassia! I am a Starfleet captain! I am a Power Ranger! I'm That Guy With The Hat! I am Linkara!—Linkara, Silent Hill Dead/Alive Issue 5
"This is Linkara, Calling Lord Vyce. If you are receiving this signal, then you may wanna take that huge-ass helmet off you head and listen for a minute. Listen, I just wanted to tell you how deeply honoured I am. You see, I was once told you were the stuff of nightmares for gods and monsters alike. And that's why I'm so honoured, you see, you've seen fit to show me your true colours-and the main one is a big bright shade of yellow, All that you see, you conquer, huh? Well, I guess you never did really set your eyes on me then, you were too busy looking the other way and running for your life. And it's a good thing, too- you've shown just how inadequate you are. You're not up to the task of facing this "Entity" you're so afraid of. Tell you what- why don't you go tuck your cape between your legs and run home, While I deal with it- after all, it's what you're good at. However, if you want to prove me wrong, you know where to find me.—Linkara taunting Vyce, Youngblood #3
"Yes people, I have heard of Sonichu. I really wish I hadn't heard of Sonichu. I would be a much happier man if I hadn't."—Linkara on Sonichu
"Beneath the seas, beside the flame
Off the coast where the lost beast came
To bring the world misery and shame
A piece of the world is missing"
"The path you should have never crossed
The beast exacts a heavy cost
The number of the beast is lost
You will know it by its hissing"
"The bones from hell you cannot tameAnd all while you're reminiscing"
Devour your life and all your fame
That is the price to play its game
—The poem of Entity
"'A piece of the world is missing'. It doesn't mean that it's gone... It's your NAME!!!—Linkara, in his show's biggest Wham! Line to date.
Linkara (voiceover): There is a sound in my nightmares. It is a hiss, a screeching of notes that comes from a game that I played as a child. It is shrill and high-pitched, grating on your soul like nails upon a chalkboard. This was not the sound of any natural creature. This is an abomination; a perversion of the programmed perfection of the world. In other times and other places and in my book, they called it 'The Lost Beast'; but to me, it shall always have a different name...Linkara: Missing№.
Missing№: Then welcome to my glory, hyuuumaaaan...
Linkara: Uhh, before I become one with your glory, there is just one thing... a question.
Missing№: You may speak.
Linkara: After I'm consumed by you, what're you going to do next?
Missing№: I will spread throughout this universe until it and I are the same-till it and I are the same. From there, I shall do as I have always done: I shall travel from universe to universe and they shall become extensions of my being, simultaneously piece and whole. Every star, every cosmos, every dimension, all things living and dead shall become meee... No empty space, no limit, nothing existing except for me. Existence shall become solely defined by me because I am existence!
Linkara: Oh, and then what're you going to do?
Linkara: I was just curious what you intend to do after you finish your goal...
Missing№:(confused) I... will exist. Everything will be me.
Linkara: Yes, yes we know that part, but what are you going to do? You will exist, neato! What're you going to do to pass the time? You will have absorbed -everything-, and I do mean everything. You will not just be the only being in the universe, you will be the universe! So... whaddaya gonna do -as- the universe? Will you create things? Well I suppose you wouldn't because creating something would mean it was different from you, and you'd just -reabsorb- it back in anyways... So again, I ask: what are you going to do once you've completed your goal?
Missing№: Existence is... existence is... important part...
Linkara: Yes, but why do you want that goal?
Missing№: Everything should... and must... be me... everything should and must be me.
Linkara: And when everything is you, what are you going to do next!? What is your purpose once your purpose has been fulfilled?! What will be your meaning when you have made the ultimate achievement?! Is 'existing' just an end it itself? Well that can't be it because you're already existing, and therefore already fulfilling that part of it!
(Visual Effects of Awesome ensue as he walks around Missing№/90's Kid)
Linkara: "So go ahead and create your kingdom of the Never-Should! Let the Glitch be everything, the distortion the reality! Become everything there is down to the tiniest particle until you are literally existence itself! In the end, you'll still have the same damned problem: that's there is no challenge left- No Heaven to aspire to, and no Hell to avoid. You will live forever, alone as everything, and existence itself shall be your prison! All experiences will be a part of you; all possibilities will have been considered and completed. Every life-form, every molecule, every single Should and Never-Should and it will have all been done. Everything will be you, and everything will be meaningless. And when you do become existence -- when the definition of existence equals Missing№ -- you will scream your shrill hiss and let it vibrate along the totality of your being, When the lie of your existence is laid bare, because there is simply nothing else for you to do!
Missing№: You are... confusing me... You are attempting a deception!
Linkara: Me? Deceive an Outer God? I sincerely doubt that.
Missing№: You-you... I must continue! You-you... shall become-
Both: A part of me/you!
Linkara: Yeah, yeah, yeah except it doesn't matter! In the end, you'll still be there; alone in the darkness of mere being- forever! What it all boils down to is that you are no more significant than a single pixel on a screen-
Missing№: SILENCE! (Linkara is thrown to the floor by a glitch blast)
Missing№: (begins pacing the room) Existence is purpose, but purpose defines existence, but existence defines purpose, but purpose defines existence... If purpose is not solution, then examine what cannot be known through existence then examine what cannot be known through existence then examine- Solution to equation... non-existence?
Linkara: You're an Outer God, yes?
Linkara: You are beyond good and evil; a being more complex and grand and terrible than anything that ever has existed or ever will exist...
Linkara: Then... I submit a question to you, Outer God. A possibility to explore.
Missing№: Declare it.
Linkara: What happens to an Outer God when it dies?
Missing№: *Slasher Smile* I will find out...
Narrator: "Previously On..." 'Atop the Forth Wall'...Narrator: And now, the conclusion...
Masterthecreator: [holding a teacup] "Greetings. I am Master the Creator, title card artist for 'Atop the Forth Wall'. I've assembled you all here so we can stop the menace known as... Andrew Dickman! If we do not stop Andrew Dickman, he will take over the title-card duties of every Channel Awesome producer, putting us all out of work; and then... take over the world!"
Andrew Dickman: [Childish Giggling]
Masterthecreator: [With a new teacup] "You, other-title-card-artists, are our only hope! Kitsune twenty twenty-two, who does Obscurus Lupa's title cards..."
Kitsune2022: I warned you all about Andrew Dickman, but nooo, nobody believes me! [sigh] He's already got her 'Manic Episodes' cards; soon he'll have the whole show."
Masterthecreator: [Yet another teacup] "Ven Gethenian, title card artist for Brows Held High!"
Ven: "Oh god... why did I try to watch Trash Humpers alone?"
Masterthecreator: [still yet another teacup] "-and Krin, title-card artist for Todd in the Shadows..."
Krin: "You guys know Todd doesn't really have a face right?! The art is entirely accurate! That boy... is a monster!
Masterthecreator: [voiceover] "Philbunny, Iron Liz's title-card artist!"
Philbunny: [As a rabbit puppet of himself] "Uh, actually, I think you want the guy who's right next to me, but I'm a lot better-looking, so I'm gonna go ahead and represent him."
Masterthecreator: [Still hasn't run out of new teacups] "Marobot, title-card artist for The Nostalgia Critic!
Marobot: [on the phone] "For the last time, no Linkara, I don't have time to make a new section of Comicron 1 for you... no, I frankly don't care if you don't have a different-looking hallway for your storyline..."
Masterthecreator: "-and finally, Vincent E.L.!"
Vincent: [with a gun to his own head] "What? Me?! Wow... Things are finally coming up Vincent!" [Leaps up, starts singing] "After all these years, and all this hard work, I've finally-" [Needle Scratch] "Wait; I'm not a title card artist, I made the Atop the Forth Wall theme song."
Masterthecreator: "Oh? Oh well then we don't care about you." [gestures dismissively]
Vincent: "Wait, I-" [cut off]
Masterthecreator: "Now then, let's get to the first order of business, shall we?"
Andrew Dickman: "Ah, if it isn't my predecessors... how nice of you to all gather at once."
Kitsune2022: "We meet again, Art-Skank!"
Krin: "You're not gonna get away with this, Dickman! We will fight you... with art! Art-art-art! Art!
Andrew Dickman: You're already too late; I've signed to do Spoony's title cards! Nothing can stop me! [Evil Laugh, dissolves into wheezing and hacking coughs] "Oh god..."
Philbunny: Wait, how'd did he get Spoony's-"
[Dr. Insano appears, carrying Son of Insano]
Philbunny: [gasp] Doctor Holocaust!
Insano: "Yes, it is I, Dr. Hol- Wait what? No!"
Philbunny: "Oh, uh... sorry, uh- Doctor Horrible!"
Insano: I-ju-yo... I'm not either of those, You Fool!
Philbunny: [half-hearted] Doctor Steel ?
Insano: Really? Do I sound like I can sing as good as him?
Ven: Doctor Sleepless!
Insano: Okay, I guess we'll go with that one, but Yes! As soon as my mind-slave Andrew Dickman takes over the scribbles of all your internet series, I shall rule the world! [Maniacal Laughter]
Marobot: What? No, no I don't want to talk to Snowflame... No-no don't put on Sn- [sigh] Hello Snowflame... yes, I know you like cocaine... who doesn't?"
—-- Mr. T #2 Review